Tennyson

The denial began to fade away today. Even after moving out of CA House, even after beginning my transition months ago, even after recognizing the relief of leaving some things behind, even after accepting a new chapter of my life, even after being basically packed, I've still been in denial about leaving. Three days left and I haven't fully accepted my departure and I don't think I will until I've been in Dar for several days...or weeks. I was explaining to people today that I feel that I really have no expectations for what my life will be like abroad. Of course I'm excited, thrilled, nervous, scared, and other emotions to add to the roller coaster, but somehow expectations don't seem relevant to this trip. It will be what it will be and I will learn from the many experiences and emotions I will be journeying through. That being said, I did hear today that a bucket and a cup will be provided by my program for bathing...no showers...that should be an interesting experience.

The denial began to fade away today when I began my goodbyes with people I see often in my day-to-day life. Saying "goodbye" to people is a very strange feeling. So much of the time I don't like saying it, but instead I say, "see you sometime". This helps me to process uncertainty while also keeping hope at arm's length. I recognize the importance of saying farewells and encourage the process of grief and acceptance one can go through in the parting of ways, but I also know there is so much room for surprises to come. This is especially true for me since I will be returning to a life that will be familiar, but will also be entirely new. I have been told that studying abroad changes people and I am curious to see how I will be changed and how I may grow. I'm so excited and I am so lucky to be surrounded by beautiful souls who are supportive of me in everything I do. I am so blessed.

My thoughts and goodbye conversations today reminded me of part of a poem  by Tennyson:

"It may be that the gulfs will wash us down: It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are; Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."